There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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