I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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