I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
