thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
