I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Welp...herpes.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
