Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
