He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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