Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
