who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
