peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
