textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
