doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
