So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
