im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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