it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
