Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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