to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
