I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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