You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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