I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
