my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
