The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
