Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
