that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
