So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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