so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
