Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Welp...herpes.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
