so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
