I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
