Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
