she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
