I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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