Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
