so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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