The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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