My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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