Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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