Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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