Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
