those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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