My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
