so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Are we still banned from the library?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
