I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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