Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
