you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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