I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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