I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
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i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
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This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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