So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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