Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I wear drunk well.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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