I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
