She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
