if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
