I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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