2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
